Thank You Mr. Gardner, For Loving Me Enough To Cut Me Down

One of my favorite Mormon Messages is called "The Will of God." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr8xvw0cgw0&feature=share  This is a powerful message each time I watch it.  It is a good reminder to me that Heavenly Father knows and understands me.  He loves me so much that sometimes it may even mean cutting me down so that I can grow in the way that will be best for me. 

I feel like I've had so many experiences over the past few years to where the lord has helped me to understand lessons that have brought me to where I am today.

When we moved to Guatemala I struggled with my self-esteem, but I learned how to love myself better, because I stood out and there was no way I was ever going to be like the people around me.  So I had to learn to embrace it.  But in coming back to Utah, I didn't think I would struggle as much as I did with my self-esteem.  I have never felt so low and horrible about myself in my life, but the time that we've been here I've come to understand why I've felt the way I have and have come to love myself more and more every day. 

You see the Lord had to show me that even though I learned a great deal about loving myself in a different country, I only understood a piece of it.  He had to cut me down in order for me to see and understand the things that I need to do to become who I want to be and truly love myself.

 I've still got a ways to go, but I've never felt happier.  It's a blessing to have those moments where the Lord takes a hard thing and turns it into a great learning and growing experience. 

I know that our Father in Heaven wants us to love ourselves.  He wants us to come to understand those things that are bothering us and he wants us to be happy.  It may not seem like it at times, but he does want us to be happy.  It doesn't mean that it will happen the way we would want or expect, but in cutting us down we become better, stronger and happier than ever before.  We will find ourselves saying "Thank You Mr. Gardner, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me."

One Adventure To Another

This is what it means to be excited for the adventures of life. ;) 

Well, our adventure in Guatemala has come to an end, for the time being at least.  It's a new chapter in our lives and so the journey continues.

I still have all my previous posts about our adventures in Guatemala here, but have just re-titled this blog to "Little Moments."  The reason I chose this title is, because no matter what the adventure is that we go on in our lives, there are so many precious moments that happen that are worth remembering.  Often times it's the little things that matter the most.  So, our adventure hasn't really ended, we are just adding on to it.  I hope you will still enjoy reading about our adventures where ever we go.  Living in another country is awesome, but no matter where we live there is always something awesome happening in our lives. :)

My husband and I had a thought the other day that I'd like to share with you. This was written by my husband, Travis and he said it so perfectly:

"So often people ask us what we miss most about Guatemala.  There are so many things that we can't really express and so a lot of the time we just say "the people," but that isn't 100% true.  Yesterday, however, I think we finally got into words what we miss most.

There is something so different about that land.  You can look at the moon and the stars here and you feel an appreciation for the beauty of the earth and the majesty of God.  But when you stand outside at night there and stare up at the heavens, you feel a deep and abiding reverence.  You see the mountains covered in mist as you go to Guatemala City and can't deny feelings of sacredness and ancient untold history.  I think most people that come for vacations would pass it off as a novelty of being in a new place and on vacation.  And those that stay for a while and notice that those feelings don't go away call it "breathtaking beauty."  But those of us familiar with things of the spirit recognize that it is so much more.  Perhaps Lake Atitlan is the Waters of Mormon, or maybe it is the place where the Savior appeared after His resurrection.  Maybe it is completely unrelated, but it can't be denied that the Spirit of God rests over that area and you can almost hear the voices of the worlds greatest civilizations (4 Nephi 1:16;Ether*) whispering from the dust (Moroni 10:27) and hissing forth (2 Nephi 29:2).

So, there. That is what we miss most about Guatemala..." -Travis Gowen

Yes, that is what I miss most.


Moving back to Utah has been a tough change.  Surprisingly it was much more difficult than I would have expected.  You would have thought that moving to Guatemala would be the hardest part, but it was actually quite a culture shock and some days I still feel a little out of place.  I can't really express how I feel about Guatemala to people here the way that I wish I could, but those experiences I had will always be in my heart and has given me a new perspective on life.

I have to be honest, the hardest part about being back in this American/Utah culture is all the expectations that are put upon you.  The pressures of being a good Mom, of looking nice wherever you go, having nice clothes, comparing yourself to other people, etc.  These pressures were there before I left for Guatemala, but it's overwhelming when you get all that handed back to you all at once right after being in a culture where those things really didn't seem to matter.

While in Guatemala I was able to look at things with a new perspective.  I was looking at what was happening from the sidelines, what my friends and family were doing and going through, what they were seeing as important, etc.  It was refreshing to be away from the grind of it all having different challenges to worry about, but being back and seeing things from this perspective again...it's almost harder than just before I left.

I can't tell you or even describe to you the feelings I've had being back, but I can tell you that going from one perspective to another...is hard.  I have felt Satan pressing down on me, I've felt heavy, I've felt fearful, doubtful, I've looked at myself in a way that I never thought I could possibly fall into.  My greatest fear leaving Guatemala was that I would forget some of the greatest lessons that I learned, but that has not been the case.  I feel like those lessons were lessons I learned to prepare me for what's ahead in this new chapter of my life.

The Lord always has a plan, you just gotta' go with it.  He knows me better than anyone.  Sometimes we need to take a step back and look at the big picture.  Although, we may not be able to see it perfectly clear, it helps us to be able to pick ourselves back up and keep moving forward.  I feel I have come closer to my Savior through all my many "adventures," so far in my life.  I'm so grateful for the challenges that I have been faced with, because I know that that is what helps me to become what my Heavenly Father knows I can become.

What's in store in this new chapter of life?  I have no idea, but there are so many fun surprises along the way.  We are expecting a new little one into our family in November and although is has been part of the crazy roller coaster of experiences and trials we have been facing since our return, I know that this little one is coming at the time he/she needs to be.  Children have a way of making the adventures of life that much more fun and I wouldn't trade it for the world!

What an exciting time it is! Life is exciting and is not to be feared, it's a time to live, a time to love, a time to serve and is a fun adventure! :)

Guatemala Is Home

Today I am feeling very humbled. Not for any particular reason, but my heart is full.  I am filled with so much love for Guatemala, for the people, the culture, for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  As we prepare to end our beautiful adventure in this country,  my thoughts have been turned to the things that I have learned here.  I've learned some incredible lessons that will forever be with me for the rest of my life. 

I will be leaving Guatemala a completely different person. I have grown in ways that I could not have otherwise have grown if I had not come here.  I have learned a lot about myself and about being happy with what I have and with where I am.  I've learned what it truly means to live simply and to work with what you have.

I've been able to see the world with new eyes, from a different perspective. A perspective in which I've been able to take a step back from the worries, fears and insecurities that I had previously before arriving in Guatemala, and have been able to see what truly matters most. 

I've been able to slow down and ponder on the beautiful creations the lord has given to us, able to grow from experiences in talking with others in another language and I've learned to have a great love for the people and especially for my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I've learned so many things and have had so many special and precious experiences.  I feel so blessed and so grateful to have lived here... to have truly LIVED here.  My heart belongs to Guatemala and these great lessons and experiences I have had here will stay with me throughout my whole life. 

Looking back on the time before we arrived in this beautiful land, I remember the discouragement and fears people would try to put into our hearts, but from the first moment we decided to pick up and move to this foreign land I knew we would call it home.

Now that we have lived here for an extended amount of time, have learned some incredible things, have had some precious experiences and have developed a great love for the people and the land...

Guatemala is home.

Facebook and Me

 

 

I noticed that I was often feeling frustrated and stressed out about little things that sometimes didn't even apply to my life here. I found myself being angry with people and with the things that were being said online. I started noticing people complaining about the size of their kitchen or their cell phones when I have neither of those really. I started feeling a lot of anxiety and it bothered me.  I couldn't figure out why this was and then I realized that all this anxiety that had built up over time came from Facebook.

So I decided do something about it and I did a test.  I got off Facebook for a while and I wanted to see how it affected the way my day-to-day life went and how I felt.  I found that when I would check Facebook non-stop throughout the day , that my anxiety and frustration carried not only through the day, but through the week.  I was feeling very unhappy and it was weird, because the reason I was on Facebook so often was because I was looking for a way to communicate with people who spoke my language, but instead I found myself feeling lonely and I found myself feeling terrible about who I am as a person. 

During this test I dropped Facebook completely.  At first is was hard, because I automatically wanted to check it every time I got on the computer, but everyday I did it, it got easier and easier. I couldn't believe how much happier I felt letting go of the world. There is so much crap in this world that it makes it hard sometimes to think there is any good.

On this journey that I have taken to see the affects of Facebook in my life I have learned an important lesson that I am so excited to apply to my life.  Facebook to me is a place where people go looking for validation, looking for someone who cares and will not just respond and like their comment, but rather maybe looking for a friend to talk to... in person or a hug... in person.  I decided to use Facebook in a different way then what I have used in for in the past, which is.. nothing.  I have decided that instead of commenting all the time or just liking a post, I'm going to read those posts and see what it is that they are looking for and see if I can do my very best to show them or give them what they need or just let them know that they are loved in some way.

 I wanted to share this thought with you, because I think it is an important thing to think about.  To think that Facebook can be so much more than a way to share your troubles and worries. Facebook can be used for good. Anything on the internet can, but instead of spending endless hours scrolling through countless status's and posts and doing nothing, why not see what you can do for someone else and then do it. It will not only help that person, but you as well.

 It's amazing how a little act of kindness can bring so much happiness to not only the person you serve, but to you as well. :)

The World Cup

 

 

The world cup isn't like anything I've ever seen before. I'm not talking about the game itself, I'm talking about all the excitement and craze it brings. Everyday you'll walk down the streets of Panajachel and find the streets empty wondering "where is everyone" and as you continue down the street you will find restaurants and stores packed with people trying to watch the game. Everywhere you go there is T.V on showing the games.

During the game you see kids rush in and out of their homes, checking the score to see who's winning and then rushing back out to practice their soccer skills and dream of being a pro soccer player one day. When someone scores a goal you hear: "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!"
(I can't do it justice by writing it, but it's pretty exciting). :)  Then you see everyone running to watch the replay of what just happened and blasting fireworks on every street corner.

It's so fun being in Guatemala during the world cup to watch snippets of the games as well as watch and feel all the excitement of it all.  I've never seen anything like it and it's so fun!  I don't think I've ever seen us American's get so excited about something like this before.  But of course with not much excitement going on any other time during the year here, this is pretty much the icing on the cake. ;)

 

 

 

When It Rains It Pours

Everyday we wake up and the sun is shining bright beautiful.  Life is good, your going about your day doing some shopping, cleaning etc. and then between 2-4 pm you will find dark clouds hovering over your head. Suddenly you find yourself in a down pour with water running along the streets clearing out anything and everything in it's path. If you get caught in it there's no use trying to fight not getting wet. One way or another you will be drenched by the time you reach home. 

The farther we get into the rainy season the harder the rain falls. This week was probably the hardest rain we've had so far. The streets have so much water that it's like your walking through a river. We've also had a few mudslides up on the sides of the mountains.  Thankfully we have a home that is farther from the mountain sides and is higher up so no water rushes in, but for others, there not so lucky water climbs through every nook and cranny.

But after the rain subsides for the day you will find rolling green hills, people out and about still on the streets selling their merchandise and fireworks being set off, because hey there's always something to celebrate. ;)

Stop Signs and Green Lights

Over the past year I have gotten into a program called "Dressing Your Truth"(DYT). Along with Stress Management, it has helped me to come to really understand myself. But it's not to say that this isn't an ongoing process. Over the past few months I have learned some important things about myself that I'd like to share with you.

When we first arrived in Guatemala, I thought I was understanding who I was, but little did I know I would face some challenges that would turn me to find the opposite.  In the DYT program there is a lot taught about coming to understand your true nature as an individual as well as your dress to go along with it. I had been doing all of this, or so I thought, until just recently. I found myself wondering a lot about my self worth and wondering if I am important or special. This is a constant battle of mine coming to understand and feel of my worth as I'm sure it is with many men and women. In trying to understand these things I have learned over the past few days, something that has already made a huge impact on me and will continue to help me through my journey through life. 

I was talking with my sister-in-law Liesel the other day and we started talking about stop signs. Weird huh? Well, let me explain. Liesel was talking about how she has noticed that she has put up some stop signs in her own life and was working to correct those stops signs and turn them into green lights. I started wondering what are the stop signs I have put up in my own life?  Then I started to recognize that I have put up stop signs EVERYWHERE. A stop sign with money. Thinking we will never have enough. Recently, a stop sign in making friends with the Mayan people. Thinking I can't trust anyone. There are many more signs that I have put up and I'm still finding them, but the biggest stop sign I noticed that has been really affecting me, is the stop sign of my self worth.

These stop signs are core beliefs that I have about myself and about life.  This core belief that I have found is, that I believe that I don't deserve anything. I don't believe that I am important or that I have worth. When I realized this I decided that it was time to make a change. It's just a simple change that I've made, but it's been a way that has been very effective in other areas of my life and has already helped me to understand what I really believe.

In my study with stress management I have found that the biggest stress management technique and one of the most effective ways to manage your stress, is through forgiveness.  So, one morning I took the time to just forgive. To say out loud that "I forgive myself for believing that I am of no worth. I forgive myself for thinking I have to prove myself to others.  For thinking that other people know me better then I know myself.".

I spent the early hours of the morning forgiving and expressing gratitude out loud for myself and for the blessings in my life and I found that I had more confidence and I felt better about myself.  Now, I do this often it's not like my life changed dramatically and will stay that way after one morning, but by telling myself out loud everyday that I am of worth, that I forgive myself for thinking these things and I express gratitude for myself, things got better and are continuing everyday to get better. 

I am finding that not only is dressing your truth a great step, but understanding my nature is one of the most important things as well as letting go and expressing love to myself.  My hope in sharing this experience with you is that you come to find that you are special and you are unique. That you are important and that you can be the kind of person that you've always wanted to be. It's amazing what the power of forgiveness and gratitude can bring and by eliminating those stop signs one at a time, those green lights come into play and there's a little more light shining throughout the day.